Why is it always me?

Friday, November 19th, 2010.
3:30pm

I don't know if anyone else has ever felt this way before, but I for one have felt this way during numerous occasions. I watch everyone around me and they seem to be successful in whatever it is they're doing. They achieve their goals without going through any particular hardships. Some people fail, then try again and succeed, while others just seem to fly through the whole process and get to where they want when they want. Bad things keep happening to me. I see people who have done the same things I have but end up with better results.

The first thing that I need to rant about are my braces. Well, technically my teeth, since I have already gotten my braces off. After 2 and a half years of being a brace-face, I was finally free from worrying about having this mornings breakfast stuck on my braces. However, my mom is not too happy with the results. Due to some problems, to avoid having to extract teeth, my top jaw is a little more flared than it should be. Well, why me? Why can't I just have a normal jaw like everyone else and get my braces on and off normally like everyone else and NOT have to trouble over the results of my not-so perfect teeth. Is suffering for 2 and a half years not enough? ... WHY ME?

My second rant is of job hunting. My friend and I both applied for a position at a store. They are currently hiring for seasonal and maybe part-time. My friend got a call for an interview, and she was hired the next day. As for me, I got a call and an interview, but no call. Was I really that horrible during my interview? ... WHY NOT ME?

My third and most depressing rant: I am currently having a silent war with my siblings. We had an argument on Wednesday and have been giving each other the silent treatment ever since. My sister and brother are talking, just not to me. So every time they're around, they talk to each other and I only talk to my parents. I'm trying not to be home as much because I can't stand the feeling I get when I'm around them and they're happily talking to each other. I'm not someone who goes out, so instead, all I can do to keep the pain within is to lock myself in my room. It's not that I hate my siblings, but why do they always seem to hurt me so bad? ... WHY ME?

So far the only good thing about this week is that I did well on my quiz.

It's been a while ...

Good evening, my fellow bloggers. It's been a long while since I have last updated my blog. I actually don't have an excuse as to why I have been MIA. I guess you can say I've been lazy because I sure was not busy. School has begun for most, but I start on Monday. This has been one of my best summers. I started off the summer by going to Shanghai and being able to spend three weeks learning a new language (that I somewhat already knew), exploring a new environment 14 hours away from where I have been all my life and meeting some pretty amazing people. This is one of the greatest experience of my life. Deciding to take this course and going to China was the best decision I have ever made. To this day, I still reminisce on my trip to Shanghai. (Unfortunately I won't be posting up any pictures here as I have already done so on Facebook. I apologize.)

Anyway, let's keep you updated with my not-so amazing life. About two or three days after I arrived back in Canada, I made a visit to the hospital. About a week before I was to leave China, I got the news that my Grandfather became ill and was admitted to the hospital. I was pretty anxious to get back after that. As I was walking through the corridor towards the elevator to take us to the fifth floor where my grandfather was, I had a mixture of feelings. I was looking all around me at the other patients in the hospital as well as their families and friends who were there with them. I was scared. Afraid. Terrified. The smell of the hospital is nauseating. I very much hate the hospital atmosphere. I hate the smell, the look, the sound, the feel and the reason why I'm at the hospital. As we got on to the elevator and it started to make its way to the fifth floor, my heart started to beat faster as if I was running up the stairs. When we arrived on the fifth floor and the doors to the elevator slid open, I had the urge to hit the close button and go back down. I didn't think I was ready to see my sick Grandfather. Every time I saw him before, he was always loud and happy and full of life. As I walked towards his room, I was no longer afraid, but rather excited to see him and to tell him about my trip to Shanghai. When I walked into his room and looked at his fragile body on the hospital bed, I was saddened. I never would have thought I would ever see him looking so pale and weak. He even got thinner. But when he saw me, his face lit up. He had that same smile I always see when I used to visit him at his apartment. From that point on, I knew my Grandfather would be strong and use all his will to become better.  He stayed another week or two in the hospital and was able to leave soon after. I was happy to see him out of the hospital again!

However, about a month later, he started feeling a pain under his chest. It wasn't anything serious that would make him fall over but we wanted to get him checked. My uncle and I planned to take him to the hospital that night. I went out with my family to eat first and was to go and pick them up afterwards but I guess we took longer than he thought and he started to refuse to go. At that time, I felt like it was my fault. If anything happens, it would be my fault because I had gone out to eat. I have never felt so guilty and bad. Although I knew it wasn't entirely my fault, I still felt bad. My Grandfather did not want to go to the hospital to get a check up to begin with because he did not want to have to stay the night there. He just used "it's late now" as an excuse to not go. Nevertheless, he is fine as ever now and I most certainly hope it stays that way.

As I have mentioned before, I hate hospitals! I mean, who doesn't? The second time I had to make a visit to the hospital was last week. My cousin needed to do a check up because her family doctor suspects that she has an Ectopic Pregnancy. We waited for about 4 hours before they took her to get an ultrasound done. That took about half an hour. And then we went back to the waiting room to wait for her results. We arrived at the hospital around 4, got the ultrasound around 8 and then we waited. That basically was what we spent most of our time doing at the hospital: waiting and starving. Finally, 6 hours later (2 in the morning), a Gynecologist was brought in to give my cousin a check up. We were told she would have to stay overnight and get another ultrasound done, as the first one was a bit unclear and that took half an hour. Around 3AM, my cousin was finally allowed to eat so we went out to grab some food at Tim Hortons since we had to wait for a room on the 10th floor anyway. After we got our food, we went back to eat at the waiting room. We finally were brought in to the room around 4. We were told the doctor would come to see my cousin in the morning. So 12 hours at the hospital and we finally got a room. We slept for about 2 hours and got up at 7. My cousin was in pain and, as tired as I was, I just couldn't stay asleep. We didn't see the doctor until 1 in the afternoon.

... I hate hospitals.

Anyway, I think that is enough for one post. I shall continue tomorrow. :)

Attitude Mix-up

I believe it's that time to vent again. To be honest, I am actually feeling quite calm and relaxed; perhaps a bit hot because of this humid weather, but other than that, I'm feeling not too bad. There have been numerous occasions where my beloved mother or sister would say I am showing "attitude" towards them. Well the truth is, I have no idea what they are talking about. I did not raised my voice nor did I glare at them and yet they try to convince me that I am indeed expressing an attitude towards them. It frustrates me how I am being misunderstood just because I'm not smiling when I speak to them sometimes. I am one of those people who's born with faces that make people feel intimidated when they first see you. I come off as a bitch and I know it. It's only after they spend some time with me do they realize who I really am. I may look like a bitch, but remember what we taught back in elementary school? Looks may be deceiving. Never judge a book by its cover; never judge a person by her looks.

I will admit, though, that I do have an attitude. I do get annoyed easily and I guess sometimes the way I talk just seems rude. But, I mean, I grew up talking this way. This is who I am. I don't see it as an attitude. When I show attitude, it's usually with someone I don't like very much and they keep making ridiculous comments that I don't really need to or want to listen to. It usually happens when I'm annoyed. But recently I have been accused of showing attitude towards my mom when all I did was ask her where the phone is. I don't intentionally speak in an attitude-y way; that's just how I talk. I feel so wronged. I mean, I don't deserve this assumption. It's times like this when I wish I never came home from Shanghai. And then just a while ago, my sister said she hates my attitude. I swear I never showed a second of attitude from the time I woke up, until now. I don't understand where they see it. To be honest, I don't even know why she's upset right now. Because I wouldn't google the two LV clutches or bags that she wants to so desperately get? Sometimes, I myself don't understand the women in my family.

home sweet home

I arrived back in canada about a week or so ago. The plane ride was long and tiring, but well worth it. Shanghai is a beautiful city! and not to mention but the stuff there are ridiculously cheap as well! Ill tell all about my trip with pictures next time. I'm sick, again. So until i feel better, do anticipate my stories in china and my pictures. :)


btw, I've discovered formspring.
http://formspring.me/julieeluu

Goodbye leaf, hello screen!

May 9th, 2010.
My friends would understand exactly what I am talking about when I refer to 'the leaf'. 'The leaf' is a nickname for this huge crack left on the screen of my phone. I had signed a 3 year contract for a new phone I had gotten at the time. About a month or so later, while in the bathroom at school, I somehow managed to drop the phone while fixing my hair. (The phone was put into my sleeve because my uniform had no pockets and I did not want to put it on the ground; though it eventually ended up there.)  The phone somehow managed to leave my sleeve and fell to the ground with a hard 'whack'. At the time my phone looked fine. It's a flip phone and the front of the phone was okay. A very tiny and unnoticeable crack on the corner but no major damages. I gave a sigh of relief thinking that my phone was fine. When I flipped it open later, there was a tiny black mark where the date should be. I didn't think anything of it though since it was so tiny. Eventually though, the crack began to grow like Yao Ming did and covered half the screen. At a first glance you would think that it was just my background image, or even a leaf, but unfortunately it's not. Almost everyone who I showed my phone to thought it was a leaf and eventually I got made fun of for having a phone with a leaf on it. It has been two and a half years already of me using a phone with a leaf on it. I got used to it and know how to find certain functions and what not, but it's really a pain in the butt.


It is about time I say goodbye to the leaf that bothered me for 2 years. It now covers 3/4 or even 5/6 of my screen. I finally got myself a new phone with a perfectly fine screen. :)
Let's just hope I don't drop it before I get a cover for it. Maybe I should even get a little pouch and hang it around my neck. Hmmm ... (yeah right.)

Break Time.

May 8th, 2010.
I attended my first class official class on Thursday and managed to find myself a roommate. I'm a bit relieved not because I won't have to be alone when travelling etc. However, when we were discussing sites that are censored in China, I found that blogspot does not work. Therefore, I will not be able to update my trip as I visit new places and upload pictures as I had planned. Anyway, I'll make sure to post all the pictures and stuff when I get back home.


Only 4 classes to go before my trip to China ... :)

The Stress Continues to Build Up ...

May 5th, 2010.
Stress can come so easily, but it takes a lot of effort to succeed in making it go away. If the cause for the previous stress is not resolved, then stress from other sources begin to pile up creating a massive headache for the individual. The biggest cause for the build up of stress is our arch enemy, procrastination. Because we - almost everyone I know - tend to leave things until last minute, we create a lot more stress for ourselves. The stress of having to finish a task with a limited amount of time is extremely stressful. Though we've experienced it many times already, we still don't seem to understand that and continue to leave things until the very last minute. It's either that or we just choose to continue our laziness and are willing to take the consequences that come with procrastination: stress.

As those who have read my earlier posts know that I am going to Shanghai in three weeks, I decided to start my packing about a month in advanced. I started thinking about all the things that I'll need or want to bring and how much space I should leave for things that I may buy when I get to China. I had to decide which suitcase to bring, how many, how big, how much money to bring etc, etc. I knew that packing last minute would be very stressful, but trying to pack a month in advance is not any easier. And now on top of everything else, I have to worry about ten thousand other things that have to do with going to China to study (i.e. safety, loneliness, culture shock etc).

 I also need to make a friend in my class who will then become my roommate for the three week stay in China. Most of my classmates are Chinese. I don't know why, but I don't get along with Asians very well. Ever since I was young, the group of friends I hang out with are very multi-cultural. They would all be from a different country. I have hung out with groups of Vietnamese or Chinese friends before, but for some reason, I just don't feel like I fit in. I guess it all really depends on who those individuals are and not their ethnicity? Who knows. Let's just hope I get along with at least ONE person in my class. I'm very friendly, I swear.  :)

Dedicated to All Hater's and Anti's

Just yesterday, a friend sent me a link to someone's blog where most of his/her entries are demeaning to certain, if not most, celebs. I agree with some of the things that this person has written, but is it really necessary to point out all the bad points of an individual? No one in this world is perfect. We all make mistakes. Celebrities are human beings just like us and are not anymore perfect than we are. They are also entitled to make mistakes. There is no need to point out every mistake that a celebrity makes. How would you feel if someone were to point out every single mistake that you make or have made in your lifetime? Not so happy, I suppose and quite annoying, if I may add. We make mistakes, ackowledge it, then move on.

I don't understand haters and anti's who write stories about celebs that they dislike (whether it is true or not). Why bother wasting your time on those you hate and trying to find every single mistake that they make? Instead, why don't these people just go and support those they do like and admire? If you don't like someone then you should just simply disregard them and not make them the center of your world. You're putting way too much time on people you hate and not enough time suporting those you like and on your own life. When you see anti's talking shit about the celebs they hate, it only helps to motivate those celebs to do better and it makes those who read these posts think that you're jealous. You're jealous that you can't be in their position. You're jealous of the fact that they are getting so much more attention than you are. But do you realize that by you writing up shit about these celebs, you're just giving them even more attention?


To all those anti's out there, just disregard whoever it is you don't like. Don't acknowledge them as anything in your life and move on. Afterall, it's not like you're making a difference in this world. You're not changing anything, so just get on with your own life.

Regret is a Great Motivation

A continuation from a previous post.
It is definitely hard to forgive and forget, but once one person takes the first step, it makes things a lot easier; though the first step itself is hard to make. When you begin to think about the fact that you might have to live like this forever, not being able to talk to the other person over a stupid argument, you then become aware of the fact that you might just regret it. Say, if something happens and you guys get separated and aren't able to see each other anymore, you'll definitely regret wasting all that time that you could've spent together. Regret is the best motivation to take up new opportunities and experiences. Because of regret, I decided to take the first step and make a conversation first.

Now that I've taken the first step and it seems as though everything is back to the way it was, can we simply move on just like that and act as if nothing happened? Or is it necessary to talk about it before we can truly forget it all and move on?

We Live in a Cruel World

This post is going to be a rant on a news report that I had watched on television last night. There was a female who was in the midst of being robbed by a guy with a knife. The homeless man jumps to the aid of the female being attacked, but in returns gets stabbed and left alone on the streets to bleed to death. Though this man was stabbed several times in the torso, with one call to the ambulance with the help of a passerby, this man could have been saved. Not one, but more than TWENTY cold blooded, heartless people walk by this dying man and does nothing. On top of that, one man calmly takes out his cellphone to take a picture of this man. (Why is it that this man has the time take out his phone to take a picture of the man dying, but cannot simply dial the three digit number, 911, to save his life?) Just because he is a homeless man does that mean that he does not deserve to live? Why is his life any cheaper than ours? If anything, I believe that this man has more right to live than those who walked by and did nothing. Other than the heartless creature who took a picture on his phone, there was another man who had shook the victim vigorously until he saw the pool of blood and left. When someone sees another person on the ground with a pool of blood around them, what do you think they should automatically do? Run? ... well that`s what this man did. You call fucking 911! It is really not that hard. Even an elemantary kid would ask for help or tell someone about it if they saw something like this. But the 25 people who walked by this poor man did absolutley nothing. When has our world become so ridiculously cruel and heartless?



I grew up being taught that if I have the ability to help someone, then do so. Even for something as simple as giving up my seat for an elder or pregnant woman. In fact, actions like these should be expected. I believe that if I help someone, they will then have the motivation to go and help someone else. Thus, everyone will be helping everyone else. This is the kind of world I would like to live in and not in a world where people refuse to help others. It is funny how some people expect or want others to help them when they dont help others themselves. Why does our world constantly become more and more selfish? This was honestly a very heart-breaking story; a story that reveals the true nature of what humanity is slowly becoming, until we decide to do something about it.

Forgiving and forgetting doesn't always happen.

When I think back to situations, whether having to have happened to me or from movies that I've seen, to forgive and forget seems normal and always a possibility. Forgiving seems easy and managable, but forgetting is the problem. It is almost always impossible for someone to forget something that has happened. Whether this situation is something that they want to remember or not, no one has the choice. This event will forever be a part of this persons memory. If only we could choose to remember only the things that were pleasant in our lives and to be able to forget all the bad. If only bad memories could be thrown away like a used tissue in a garbage can, life would be so much more simple and happy.

If I were given the chance to choose any super power I wanted, it would probably be the ability to make people happy. A lot of people are miserable because tof certain past events that they cant seem to forget. No one in this world can say that the have been happy their entire lives. No one in this world can say that they have never cried once in their lives. We've all had something bad happen to us at least once in our lifetime. Some, if not all, of us have thought to ourselves at least once that life is unfair. "Why is this happening to me? Why me?"  For those who are even more extreme about their unhappiness, there may have even been thoughts of suicide. What ever the problem may be, I don'nt think that any problem permits suicide. You may try to fix a problem but fail to do so, but at least you know you've tried. Now move on with your life without any regrets.

Today is one of those days for me where I will never be able to forget what happened. I haven't cried like I did today for a very long time. Though crying seems like a sad gesture, it is undeniable that it is the best reliever for stress. After crying for an hour and a half before falling asleep, I woke up feeling a lot better. Though my problem is yet to be solved, I feel a lot more calmer now to talk about it and attempt to solve it. I wish I could forget everything that has happened today, at least the unpleasant parts anyway, but we all know that forgetting is impossible. But forgiving is an option.

Let's greet Summer 2010 :)

I’m done all my final exams, which accounts for only 2 classes, but it wasn’t as easy as you’d think. Anyway, regardless of the number of exams I had to write, studying was a pain in the butt. Studying for a class that you have never paid attention in is very difficult and time consuming. It's like telling a baby to read a chapter book. I had the honour (NOT!) of doing so. You don't understand what it is you're reading and everything is new to you. You're basically teaching yourself everything you need to know. Well, what’s done is done. Now I can relax for the next two weeks until my summer class begins. In my previous post, I mentioned that I will be going to Shanghai for a summer course, but before the departure, I must attend three weeks of classes here. Although it’s only one course, having to study and memorize how to write the characters for tests and doing homework will take up most of my time during the week.

I don’t plan on going out with my friends or doing anything special before I leave, but my sister and I are planning to cook dinner for my family the night before. We are currently still deciding what will be on the menu. Once summer school starts, I’ll be too busy doing homework and packing for my trip so I won’t have time to post any new entries. But once I get to Shanghai, I’ll try to find the time to post up some pictures and give details about how my trip is going so far. I am really looking forward to this trip! At the moment, I am trying to convince my parents to let me: a) extend my trip to Shanghai for another week so that I have more time to explore the area OR b) allow me to go to Japan with my Japanese friend that might be visiting Shanghai during that time and spending a week or so there. Either way, I hope they allow me extend the length of my trip.

I will definitely be home-sick, but at the same time, I am someone who loves to travel and explore. I love to try new things (especially when it comes to food)! And it’s not like I will be gone forever, it’s only going to be an extra week! It would be so amazing if could go to Japan, but I would still be happy with another week in Shanghai.

My luggage is not very big, so I’m trying to limit myself as to how much and what I need to bring. I don’t want to bring too much, but I also want to make sure I have enough. I guess bringing more of something is better than leaving the country and then realizing that I forgot to bring something or regret not bringing something. I know I will be buying lots of stuff from China to take home so hopefully there will be enough room in my luggage. If there isn’t enough room, then I guess I’ll have to buy another small luggage or a travel bag. I am extremely excited for this trip, as I have mentioned it already about a thousand times, and absolutely cannot wait to try the new foods!

After I come back from my trip, that's when summer will really begins for me. I will be stress-free from exams and tests and won't have to worry about doing homework until September, when everything starts all over again. That's life for you. Everything in this world goes around and is repetitive. You start in one place, and you move around until you end up in the same place again. Then you start all over again. Our education is an example. Work is another example, where you do the same thing every single day from a certain time to another time. Karma is the best example of them all. It's also something that I personally believe in. What goes around comes around. That is why I always give up my seat on the bus to elders because maybe one day in the future when I get old (yes, I do realize that I, too, will become old), and I have to take the transit, someone will lend their seat to me. (Though I'd prefer my children to drive me instead.) What comes around goes around; remember that!

CHINA: SHANGHAI 2010 :)

I believe the title says it all. Shanghai, here I come! On the 22nd of May I will be departing Toronto for a three week stay in Shanghai. This will be my first time visiting China and I am very excited to be able to expand my knowledge on the Chinese culture as well as being able to experience the life in China. Though this all sounds like fun, the main reason for my visit to China is because of school. I currently go to York University and am taking a Chinese course in the summer. In China, I will still be going to school and classes like I regularly would here in Canada. I have classes 5 days a week and only get weekends off. Most of my time will be spent on doing assignments and homework for this course but I will definitely find the time to explore my new surroundings.

I have done some research on where I will be making my trip and Shanghai looks like a beautiful place. On top of that, everything appears to be extrememly cheap! I am also very lucky to be going to China during this time because during my stay there I will be able to go to the Shanghai Expo. I have no idea what that is, but it seems pretty big. =/ I've been told that its somewhat like the olympics, in that it only happens once every 4 years and the location differs every time. I am very excited to try the new foods and experience the night life in China. I absolutely CANNOT wait!

... About a month left until my departure! : )

Random Chinese Rant

今天我想用中文来说我今天的心情。
我今天真的觉得很累也很烦。我很想睡觉可是我真的没有时间可以休息。
我觉得中学比大学好多了。 我现在想起中学真的觉得中学是很轻松哦。
如果可以的话我想回中学。 可是这是不可能的事情。我现在唯有辛苦一点了！

Random Thoughts

My sister and I used to fight for the passenger seat. "Shot Gun," we'd yell. Now, we fight for the driver seat.

When someone says, "Nothings wrong. I'm fine," It's a lie.